KFLSAJD

My tumblr I can rant about what I want. But whoever is reading this will think it is so so so so so stupid and will hate me but I CANT IT BOTHERS ME IM SORRY I WISH I DIDNT CARE SO MUCH.

RISE OF THE GUARDIANS WAS SO GOOD AND JUST AHHH WHY DONT YOU UNDERSTAND THE MORAL. LIKE JUST BECAUSE THE LAST THING THEY SAID WAS “AND DONT FORGET TO ALWAYS LISTEN TO THE MOON” DOESNT MEAN THATS THE MORAL. I MEAN I HAVENT SEEN IT IN A WHILE SO I COULD BE WRONG BUT I THINK THAT THE MORAL WAS ABOUT PRESERVING INNOCENCE AND THATS IMPORTANT TO ME AND STUFF AND WOW SHHHHH THAT WAS THE MORAL NOT TO LISTEN TO THE MOON WHAT ARE YOU STUPID IM SO SORRY THAT WAS RUDE BUT AHHH I SAID IT. LIKE WHEN I EXPLAINED THE MORAL AND YOU WERE LIKE WELL LITTLE KIDS ARENT GOING TO GET THAT WELL LITTLE KIDS DONT NEED TO GET THAT. PRESERVING INNOCENCE WONT MAKE MUCH SENSE TO THOSE WHO ARE STILL IN THAT PHASE OF THEIR LIFE. I THINK THATS WHAT MAKES IT A GREAT FAMILY MOVIE BECAUSE I WAS STILL ABLE TO ENJOY IT AND WOW IT WAS SO GOOD. LIKE I LOVE DREAMWORKS NOW. THEY HAVE BEEN RELEASING A SLEW OF GOOD MOVIES AND IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY. 

IM SO SORRY FOR EVEN CARING SO MUCH ABOUT THIS AND I UNDERSTAND THAT YOURE ALLOWED TO HAVE DIFFERENT OPINIONS AND THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT ARE ALLOWED TO NOT LIKE THE MOVIE I REALLY LOVE. BUT I GUESS IT JUST FRUSTRATED ME THAT YOU SEEMED TO DISLIKE IT BASED ON SOMETHING THAT WAS JUST MISUNDERSTOOD. 

AND NOW I NEED TO RANT ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE DREAMWORKS. BECAUSE OHMYGOSH OKAY IM JUST GOING TO COPY AND PASTE WHAT I SAID EARLIER BUT AHHHH. ohmygosh dreamworks is stepping up their game and i couldnt be more excited. like how to train your dragon? SO GOOD. AND THERES GONNA BE A SECOND ONE AND OH MY GOSH IT LOOKS SO GOOD AND FKLSDJALFSD. and rise of the guardians? THAT WAS SO GOOD. LIKE WOW OKAY I NEED TO RANT SO YOU NEED TO WATCH IT BUT SO GOOD OMG SHERRILYN I LOVE THAT MOVIE. AND KUNG FU PANDAS ARE GOOD AND THERES A THIRD AND WOW. and cloudy with a chance of meatballs? i thought it was pretty good. the second one seems good. AND THE CROODS? I WANTED TO SEE THAT. i mean turbo looks kinda dumb and monsters vs aliens wasnt nearly as good as these others BUT OMG I THINK I REALLY LIKE DREAMWORKS NOW.

OKAY LIKE THE HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGONS 2 TRAILER WAS SO GOOD LIKE EVERYTHING LOOKED SO WELL DEVELOPED AND TO THE WAY HICCUP LOOKS TO THESE NEW WEIRD MANTA RAYS THAT SEEM TO HAVE EVOLVED AND I THINK THAT JUST MEANS I CAN TRUST THAT THIS WILL BE A GOOD PLOT AND IM SO EXCITED. AND KUNG FU PANDA 3 LIKE I HOPE ITS GOOD. IT COULD BE JUST OK BASED ON THE ENDING OF KUNG FU PANDA 2 WHERE THE DAD IS ALL “ma son is alive.” cloudy with a chance of meatballs 2 looks pretty good, in my opinion like i think it has potential to be sorta really cool i wasnt expecting all that had happened in the trailer. and there looks like theres gonna be a lot of puns AND I LOVE PUNS THEYRE SO FUNNY OHMYGOSH. 

eeeeeee!!!

Repost
I just wonder…

Was it spur of the moment? There was no warning, or maybe that’s my fault for not noticing. I’m constantly at war with myself, “How could you have known?” or “You had the opportunity to be there for her and you weren’t.” 

I know everyone who thinks about committing suicide things along the lines of, “Will I be missed?” or I’ve heard, “Of course they’ll be sad, for days, maybe even weeks. And maybe my closest friends will be sad for a year. And maybe my family will get over it within a few years. And eventually everyone will move on, grow, and forget.”

No, not really. Because the school (administration, students, everyone..) will blame themselves for not noticing; for blindly judging. Your closest friends are going to have everything rotten they’ve ever said, done, thought about you and have it hit them like a giant wave, a hurtling tsunami. And I can’t imagine your family ever “getting over it.” That seems rather impossible. Maybe, they would live their life, to the minimum not the maximum. Barely scraping through each day. But to get over it, is not an option, nor a possibility. 

and I just wonder…

What pushed you over the edge? You were so popular and seemed so perfect. So bubbly and spirited… I can’t imagine.

and I just wonder…

It is suicide prevention week. And you committed suicide. Ironic. You had no past attempts. Is suicide prevention week what put the thought into your mind? Really? Or is just a coincidence. 

and I just wonder..

What can I learn from this? That words hurt? No.. because I already knew that. I already do take all those school bullying videos seriously. So I need to dig deeper. Yes words hurt, but they have a different effect on different people. So better safe than sorry, just be nice to everyone. No, that isn’t good enough either. If I’m learning something from your death, I want the lesson to be as eloquent and memorable as you were. I’ll keep working on that.

and I just wonder…

Did you leave any goodbye? Anything left to stare at and cry over and salvage? Or are you just you. Gone but not forgotten. 

I wasn’t your friend. I don’t say that to be rude, I say it to be honest. I can’t pretend like I’ve never said anything bad or hurtful about you. I take initiative, but that doesn’t mean I’m proud.

and I just wonder…

If you regret it? You had endless possibilities! I’m serious! A husband, a family, a career, an actual future! Anything really.

and after all these thoughts and words that fly through my head, I still wonder.

In conclusion, I have almost nothing to offer you. I can only say, I will not forget. I will never forget. That doesn’t mean I won’t heal, but I will remember. Because if anything I owe you at least that. 

So rest in peace and know that you will honestly, truly, and in the most genuine way, be missed.

It stresses me out so much. Like I love you, you’re one of my best friends. But you’re sometimes just so incredibly difficult to be around. 

Why can’t you take criticism? I’m so critical. So when I point out that you’re always on your phone, I’m a bad person? I just think it’s rude. But why does point that out put me in the wrong? Why aren’t you in the wrong? Why don’t you look at yourself and go ‘yeah that’s true.’? Why are you so afraid of being criticized? I won’t apologize for that. It isn’t a crime to question, to want to improve. It’s like you don’t strive for anything. You get told you don’t get a position for something, and they tell you that you need to improve on some things. What are you going to do then? Tell them that they need to lower their standards? Tell them that they’re bad people for not letting it go? Tell them that they shouldn’t expect perfection and should realize that you have a life outside of work and that’s why you’re lacking? That isn’t proper etiquette. You should take that, and become better. So don’t be so defensive. 

And if I bring it up a second time, wow now I’m a bitch. Because only a bitch brings up something wrong more than once. 

I don’t get it. It’s more than the phone it’s other things too. But whyyyyy do you get so upset? Would it be asking so much trouble to put your phone down? I don’t think so. You. just. dont. like. being. critiqued. And being critiqued is something that you’ll have to deal with your whole life. But just don’t want it to be done in person. sigh. 

And you’re hypocritical. Like you absolutely hate your acne. But what about that one time Sarah had acne and you went up to her and said “Wow you’re acne is really clearing up.” Why would you do that? If I ever did that to you, you would be so upset. Sarah never has acne. Did it make you feel good that her skin was flawless? 

And you’re so cynical. Why can’t I care about the homeless without you mocking me. “Wow, you care about the homeless? Wow good for you. You’re so great.” No, I’m not great for caring about the homeless. A lot of people care about the homeless. Why can’t I care about people or about the environment or about people in india who don’t have enough water or about people in china who live in really bad conditions or pollution? Why do you mock me for those things? Why do you limit me in everything I do? Is it because I have no “personal” connection to the homeless? And because I have no personal connection, and my concern is seemingly random, that my only motive is for other people to notice? That isn’t it. I could go on a long rant about why I care about the homeless. It doesn’t have anything to do with people noticing me.

And I use words like cynical. Cynical means suspicious of any benevolent act. That’s you. Why do you make fun of me for using big words. I like words. Not because they make me feel smart. I like words because they each have a connotation, but when you look up the exact definition, they mean so much more. I used to think cynical would mean critical or something. But not it’s definition is so much more precise. I am awful at talking. Sometimes, I don’t have the courage to say more than a few sentences. So what I say and how I say it in a few sentences is important. That’s why I like big words. Not for you or anybody else’s sake.

You’re so spiteful. I’ll elaborate later. I have to study.

You don’t find beauty in the irregular or anything different.

Why do you mimic me? Like my voice. If I use my mundane, scratchy voice you don’t say anything but it gives off the obvious impression that I am tired. But if I’m happy, my voice automatically goes higher. It just does. I’m brighter and happier. But for some reason you mock that. (Condensed side story: I hate being called cute because if I embraced it or even accepted it, people would believe that I agree. And sometimes, (ugh) I do do cute things. I don’t know. Everyone does cute things. But I know that I would be criticized and wrongly accused of doing it for attention. So I fight it with every part of my being.) Do you think that I do it to be cute? I don’t. I hate attention. I blush so hard that I look like I’m about to pass out. You have known me since kindgergarden. And one time, you claimed to “know me.” You don’t know me. 

I hate liars. I don’t want to lie to you or myself. So sometimes, no matter how minimal, when I catch myself about to say something like “you da best” I can’t. I stop myself. Because you aren’t the best. You’re far from it. 

Sometimes, my mind is so boggled that I can’t even function. Like I have good useful original (or somewhat original) thoughts but no way to accurately describe them. and then I sound stupid. Not only do I sound stupid, but I am stupid. Because if I can’t explain myself, then who else can?

Opposites

I think that opposites attract, or are supposed to attract, because people want what they cant’t have. But this sorta theory or whatever is flawed because people want what the CANT have not what they DONT have. Meaning that they get a choice to be your opposite or not. 

Do you ever just really hate yourself? Not even like your physical appearance but your qualities and everything? Because i think that’s even worse than hating your appearance. Because the qualities are you truly are. And they’re  

gone because i lost my train of thought.

i dont like me.

I want to be charismatic

Charisma. People who have charisma must be so lucky. I mean I imagine that they are. They’re just naturally likeable. Do you know how badly I want that? For people to just like me? And it isn’t something you can pinpoint. Their charisma isn’t really something you can copy and it isn’t something you can really observe. It is mysterious. Which is also likeable. Do you see the problem?

I don’t even know why I want to be liked. Well I have an idea but it is long winded and confusing and will make you shake your head and murmur “she’s out of her MIND.” Maybe you’ll laugh at me too, but I’m somewhat used to that. 

I think that the reason I want to be liked by nearly everyone is because I like nearly everyone. I like people who are nice. I really like people who have good hearts. I also like people who need help. And at times I can be very optimistic. And I like to hope.

So my issue is that nearly everyone has some type of moral code that will make them be nice for someone or something. Maybe this person has a soft spot for animals or kids or old people or trees i dont know. But if they have a soft spot, that means not only are they nice, it means that no matter how mean they are, they’re offering me hope that they can change. 

and so i basically like anyone who gives me that small hope/is even remotely kind.

AND THAT IS WHY I HAVE THIS ISSUE WITH WANTING PEOPLE TO LIKE ME. Because you see if i like someone, then naturally you want them to like you back. But they have different standards. everyone has different standards. and that makes it so so difficult because i cannot be stretched that thin. 

but if i was charismatic, then people would like me and i would feel better and i would still be me. 

none of me makes sense. 

STOP. FIGHTING.

please.

"enjoy the little things" 

but you arent supposed to worry about the little things either. but you worry about things that matter. and it matters if it gives you happiness. who the fuck came up with this.

ed sheeran concert

that was. the best night. of my life. best concert ever.