Sometimes, my mind is so boggled that I can’t even function. Like I have good useful original (or somewhat original) thoughts but no way to accurately describe them. and then I sound stupid. Not only do I sound stupid, but I am stupid. Because if I can’t explain myself, then who else can?

I think that opposites attract, or are supposed to attract, because people want what they cant’t have. But this sorta theory or whatever is flawed because people want what the CANT have not what they DONT have. Meaning that they get a choice to be your opposite or not. 

Do you ever just really hate yourself? Not even like your physical appearance but your qualities and everything? Because i think that’s even worse than hating your appearance. Because the qualities are you truly are. And they’re  

gone because i lost my train of thought.

i dont like me.

Charisma. People who have charisma must be so lucky. I mean I imagine that they are. They’re just naturally likeable. Do you know how badly I want that? For people to just like me? And it isn’t something you can pinpoint. Their charisma isn’t really something you can copy and it isn’t something you can really observe. It is mysterious. Which is also likeable. Do you see the problem?

I don’t even know why I want to be liked. Well I have an idea but it is long winded and confusing and will make you shake your head and murmur “she’s out of her MIND.” Maybe you’ll laugh at me too, but I’m somewhat used to that. 

I think that the reason I want to be liked by nearly everyone is because I like nearly everyone. I like people who are nice. I really like people who have good hearts. I also like people who need help. And at times I can be very optimistic. And I like to hope.

So my issue is that nearly everyone has some type of moral code that will make them be nice for someone or something. Maybe this person has a soft spot for animals or kids or old people or trees i dont know. But if they have a soft spot, that means not only are they nice, it means that no matter how mean they are, they’re offering me hope that they can change. 

and so i basically like anyone who gives me that small hope/is even remotely kind.

AND THAT IS WHY I HAVE THIS ISSUE WITH WANTING PEOPLE TO LIKE ME. Because you see if i like someone, then naturally you want them to like you back. But they have different standards. everyone has different standards. and that makes it so so difficult because i cannot be stretched that thin. 

but if i was charismatic, then people would like me and i would feel better and i would still be me. 

none of me makes sense. 

please.

“enjoy the little things” 

but you arent supposed to worry about the little things either. but you worry about things that matter. and it matters if it gives you happiness. who the fuck came up with this.

that was. the best night. of my life. best concert ever.